On July 6th, 2015 we finally found out that we were pregnant. There were finally 2 pink lines! FINALLY!!! I remember laughing uncontrollably, and crying. Was this for real?? Were we actually pregnant?!?!
The next day, we went to the doctor’s. Literally right before leaving, I went to the bathroom and was bleeding. My heart sunk and began to race. Rick reassured me saying that bleeding can be normal so let’s not overthink or assume anything yet.
At the Doctor’s office, they did a pregnancy test and confirmed that was I was indeed pregnant! We told him about the bleeding, so to be safe he sent me for blood tests and due to my PCOS that they would monitor me closely.
That day was probably one of the happiest days of my life. Earlier that week I had actually seen a little onesie at Chapters and knew that I had to go back and buy it! It was the very first baby thing I ever bought and I couldn’t help but be giddy as I carried it up to the till.
We went to Rick’s mother’s work and I pulled out the onesie and said, oh look what I bought today! She looked at the onesie and looked at me and I could tell she’d figured it out. I remember how happy she was as she hugged us tightly. Later on, we Skyped my parents since they live across the country and told them the same way by showing them the onesie. It felt so surreal. Telling our families that we were actually pregnant! It was so fun to be so excited.
Sadly, that was the only real happy day in the weeks to come. The bleeding continued. I continued to be reassured that bleeding is normal, sometimes it would fade a little and in those moments, I felt relieved and grasped onto the hope that this little baby of ours would hold on. It was difficult to allow myself to get excited when I knew that this might not end well.
My doctor had me going for blood tests every 2-3 days to check my HCG levels. They were increasing, but not normally. In a “normal” pregnancy, your HCG levels are supposed to double every 2 days but mine weren’t. I continued to be monitored until one day at work, something really was not right so Rick and I went to the hospital. They took a blood test and we waited in emergency for a couple of hours. The hours felt so long, the entire time I couldn’t help but think, is this really happening??? Are we losing our baby after waiting for so long? Why? Why is this happening? They finally called my name and the Doctor’s prognosis on the situation was… inconclusive. He told us to go home and to return in the morning for an ultra sound.
The next morning we returned to the hospital and I had external and internal ultrasound. Both ultra sounds showed nothing. It either meant that it was too early on, or that we had lost the baby. I knew, based on my own calculations that we were about 5 weeks pregnant. At 5 weeks, there should be a heart beat. I was really beginning to lose hope and my heart began to break.
That afternoon I went to see my own Doctor. She was so patient, kind and compassionate and sat with me as I cried. She performed a couple of exams, again which were inconclusive. Nobody seemed to understand my situation. My HCG was continually increasing, but I was bleeding and nothing was showing up on ultrasounds. She told me that they would just continue to monitor me.
In those 5 weeks, I grew a deep and passionate love for our little poppy seed. I like to refer to our baby as poppy seed because I remember one morning looking in the pregnancy app and it told me that our baby was the size of a poppy seed! It just stuck with me.
A few days later, my blood test reflected that my HCG had dropped. I knew what it mean. It was official and my Doctor confirmed this as a delayed miscarriage. It was over. Our baby was gone…and so was a part of my heart. My life would forever be changed.
It has now been over a year. Our baby would be turning one in March 2017, my heart aches to know him/her and I will always wonder who he/she would have been!
A year after the miscarriage, I got a tattoo to commemorate our little poppy seed. Every time I see it, I am reminded of a great love.