Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
Well, as much fun as Christmas was (Blog post on that is coming!), I am kind of glad it’s over. Which is weird because I was nothing but excited for the holidays to arrive. I did have a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong but I also experienced a lot of sadness and heart ache. Ask anyone experiencing infertility and they’ll tell you that Christmas is HARD. For various reasons. Spending Christmas with both sides of the family was great, but when you are the only one without children it is near impossible to avoid sadness, especially when it comes time for all the kids to open their gifts. You watch the look on their faces as they tear open their presents with anticipation, sheer excitement and joy. You watch their parents share in that joy and excitement and you are left wishing you could do the same. You are left thinking about the child you do not have, and the ache in your heart starts to throb. You push through with a smile on your face, waiting for it to be over so you can breathe again. I never thought that Christmas would become a painful time of the year. I’ve always loved Christmas so much and I still do, but Christmas now does not happen without sadness. Being home for the holidays was great, but challenging. I was of course asked when we were going to have children, there were pregnancy announcements and newborns…needless to say, I am glad it’s over….but now it’s a new year and that’s a whole different story.
I’ve always been one to say that New Year resolutions are dumb and pointless, when you can start fresh or make goals any time you wish! Right? Even though I’ve always thought this, I think I have subconsciously always set New Years resolutions. Secret’s out! Seriously though, Who doesn’t at least think about resolutions? It’s kind of inevitable. It is a new year after all! It is impossible to avoid at least one person asking you what your new years resolution is, so you kind of have to come up with something, so you just do!
I think I’ve liked resolutions because I have always been awful at keeping them! I am not a very disciplined person and find it difficult to make changes and keep them up so what’s the point in making resolutions when you’re not going to keep them. (Honest moment, guys) This new year has left me not really knowing what to think or how to feel. In a way, I am glad to start fresh and think about a whole new year of possibilities…yet I am also terrified. While the last few years have had wonderful moments, they have also been filled with heartache, frustration and disappointment, they have been extremely difficult and have most definitely not gone as planned. If they had gone as planned, I would be holding a child in my arms. I am nearing the end of my treatment for my PCOS and I am excited, but I am also really scared. What is going to happen next? I mean the plan is to try and become pregnant….but clearly that has not gone very well. I am scared to have another awful year. So how do you make resolutions when you have learned that you can’t plan things as you wish? So, I enter this new year with some inevitable, obvious goals like, eating healthy, exercising, losing weight…getting out of debt bla bla bla…and as much as I would love to plan for a baby in 2015, I will not. I will only hope because it is all you can do. I will also hope for the same for all my friends struggling with fertility. You are all in my thoughts, hopes and prayers. Lots of love to you guys, you know who you are!