At this point in time, there remains 5 months of my treatment. 5 months which I know will fly by, but will also seem like an eternity. Emotions have been rushing through me. Happiness & excitement, eager for the 5 months to go by, but then also fear and anxiety. What if something else goes wrong, what if we still can’t get pregnant, what if I miscarry. So many thoughts and worries. But what if nothing goes wrong! Oh the joy! The joy that will fill me to experience each and every moment. The bad ones & the good ones. To feel a baby grow inside of me, to go through all the motions of pregnancy. It overwhelms me with this deep elation. An emotion I have never really felt before. And oh to see my wonderful husband holding our child that God and we created, there are no words. I am thankful for Rick and the hope that God provides that gets me through each day and closer to the end of the treatment. I can’t wait! Only 5 more months.
While we wait, seeing the baby bumps & pregnancy announcements still sting. I think that it always will. As a friend of mine was telling me who has gone through infertility, the sting and grief never really goes away. All the sadness from those years is still carried around with you. How could you forget?
In other news, a while back I mentioned someone dear to me possibly having cancer. Unfortunately, the possibility has become a reality and that person is my father. It is a long story, but over a month ago, on August 8th, he was officially diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It came as a shock. He shows no symptoms, but the PET Scan showed otherwise. It is too advanced for surgery or radiation, so he has been undergoing chemotherapy. Sometimes I still don’t think it’s true. My parents were supposed to come and visit late September. When my dad was diagnosed, his oncologist suggested he come visit me right away in order to return home to begin treatment. So a few days later my parents come out and stayed for 2 weeks. It was a bitter sweet visit. We had a great time and created some wonderful memories but there were times that I would look at my father and realize he has cancer!!!! He doesn’t even appear sick. How could this be. The oncologist has said 2 years. I am hoping and praying that my dad won’t line up with that statistic. I hope and pray daily that he will fight through this and that God will just heal him. I pray that this is His will. It is so difficult not to think of the worst. What if he never gets to meet my children? Rick tells me one day at a time, and that is what I will try and do. In the mean time, I will take the time to treasure and appreciate my dad, the Rock of our family and I will pray that the peace of God that passes all understanding will guard mine and my family’s hearts and minds.