Man. Life is tough, isn’t it?
This past year I have experienced pain that I never thought possible. It trumps all the pain from my past. I know that it’s not over, and that this may have just begun. The road ahead scares me. It scares me a lot.
I have this appointment inching closer and closer. I’ve been dreading it. I’ll be getting the results to all the blood tests. I also had to collect 24 hours worth of urine. That was just a great time. (note the sarcasm, here folks). The scariest part about the appointment though is the idea of more being wrong with my body of course, but that depending on the results we will have to decide if we want the treatment he suggested last time. The treatment that would last a year and mean putting off trying for that year. I can tell you that since that appointment, I have thought about that decision every single day. Have we made a decision? Nope. HOW? How do you even make a decision like that?! I’ve had lots of people offer their opinions on the matter, that’s for sure. Even when they’re not asked for. I’m tired of peoples opinions by the way. Most of the time, they are not helpful. So what’s the point. Oh cool, soooo you’re miss Fertile Myrtle over there and you can tell me that I should put off trying for a year and take the treatment because it’s that easy.That I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, or fearing this or that. That I should just do what you say because clearly you know what’s good for me. Who justifies who’s opinions and advice is right anyways. I’m tired of it. Okay, sorry I’m done ranting. Where was I? Oh yes, the treatment. So, what if it doesn’t work? What if we put off trying, take this treatment and it does nothing to me. What if I don’t take the treatment and a year later we are still in the same boat. What if I don’t take the treatment, and we DO get pregnant? What if this treatment creates other issues. What if God is bigger than it all, and he can do whatever he wants. What if I don’t want to put off trying for an entire year? What if I’m scared and anxious? What if I don’t know? How do I decide? (ps, im not asking for your advice here. I’m just ranting, got it?) It just makes me let out big sighs, one after another. Or cry. it makes me cry. It also makes me angry. WHY is it so easy for others? Why are there people who can pregnant at the snap of a finger, yet for others it is such a battle? It sucks! There is no other word to describe it it just plain sucks.
By the way, I was talking with a friend today and I thought I would clarify if I haven’t already (I may have, but I’m not sure) that I have not been deemed “infertile”. I have PCOS, which is causing fertility issues. I just wanted to clear that up…
There are times, when the pain makes me feel like I am being left breathless, like there is something crushing my lungs. There are times where I don’t even know what to feel. There are times where my heart breaks for every woman I know who has fertility issues. For the friend who has lost 4 babies, for the friend who is at the end of all fertility drugs that haven’t worked, for the friend can’t speak, to my friend who is suffering silently, for the friend who just can’t get pregnant. My heart breaks for you all. It does. I want to stomp my feet, scream and cry some days. and some days I just want to swear. It’s just not fair.
People have told me not to be angry. To stop worrying. To let it go. To be like this, and be like that. Why should I? This is where I am right now! I’m going to feel what I feel and I have no shame in that. We were created with them and we are gonna feel them and no one should tell anyone to feel or not to feel a certain way. We are all different and we all cope and deal in our own way. I have no shame in feeling anger and grief and pain and neither should anyone else. Because this is where I’m at right now and I know that it will bring growth and strength. I may not feel very strong right now. With everything going on in fact I feel very weak, but I know that looking back on all of this, I will see fruit. Because God is good and he our hope. He is the anchor of hope for the souls of man scripture says. So I am going to hang on to that, because it’s the only hope I can hang on to. That he is good, and even though I am suffering, I’ll get through it. This glimpse of hope is what gives me that light at the end of the tunnel and most days, I don’t even see the light. But I just have to trust that it’s there. Somehow, Im hanging on to the anchor. Through my pain, and through my suffering. Even though I feel like I am just bobbling along choppy, raging waters, my hope is anchored. It has to be, otherwise there is no way I would be able to get out of bed each morning. I don’t understand it, but it’s there. Hope.